Couch Potato (Parody of "Lose Yourself" by Eminem)

[Intro]
嘿，如果你有一個機會
Look, if you had, one shot
一屁股坐下，癱在沙發上，把所有想看的電視節目都看一遍
To sit on your lazy butt, and watch all the TV you ever wanted
看到腦漿子攪都攪不動，你會把它緊握在手
Until your brain turned to mush, would you go for it
還是任其溜走
Or just let it slip
Yo
Yo
遙控器就位，準備好睜大眼，手心裡沁出汗水
[Verse 1 ]
《摩登原始人》已經開演，威爾瑪和貝蒂在聊天
Remote is ready, eyes wide, palms are sweaty
在各個頻道裡遨遊，早就不是什麼新手，高清預備
There's Flintstones on the TV already, Wilma and Betty
按下開關，淨整些垃圾節目給人看
No virgin to channel surfin', and I'm HD ready
西蒙考威爾一入境，大傢伙兒都想把他剝皮抽筋
So I flip, garbage is all I'm getting
他一張嘴，說的話都沒法兒聽
There's Simon Cowell, who folks wanna disembowel
那些人聽了都不想活，選手們都要哭了
He opens his mouth, always says something foul
他把選手們都淘汰掉，倒霉孩子還不回家洗洗睡覺
They're dying wow, wannabes are crying now
有些節目是真人真事，人性啊你瞧瞧
He votes 'em out, time to throw in the towel
哦《奧斯本一家》裡頭的人哥哥滿嘴髒話
Shows based on reality, oh the humanity
一家子都瘋瘋癲癲，他家狗也隨地大小便
Oh, Ozzy's family sho' loves profanity
貧困家庭過的差，不不他們的生活可幸福著吶
Woah the insanity, oh dogs that crap and pee
喲，還有《Ali G個人秀》和《誰是內鬼（明星版） 》
Home of depravity, no they live happily
哎呀怎麼還有安娜·妮可，長得也太嚇人了她
Yo, plus Da Ali G Show, and Celebrity Mole
“媽你看，沒有蛀牙”（50年代的佳洁士牙膏廣告詞），啊加廣告了呀
Oh there's Anna Nicole, she's scarin' me
趁這會兒去廚房熱點東西吃吧
Look , Ma — No cavities! Oh, it's a station break
看電視早晚給你看傻
Better go out to the kitchen and microwave something
每個節目我都看，不管別人怎麼說怎麼罵
[Hook]
我的電視有C-SPAN、TVLand和HBO
You're gonna lose your mind watching TV
The Travel Channel, Discovery還有Lifetime
They toldme, they'd scold me, but I'd still tune into every show
看電視早晚給你看傻
My cable gets C-SPAN, TVLand, and HBO
別人訓我哄我， “把那又唱又跳的玩意兒關了吧”
The Travel Channel, Discovery and Lifetime
不，我還得看C-SPAN, TVLand和HBO
You're gonna lose your mind watching TV
The History Channel和QVC還有Lifetime
They told me, cajoled me, 'Turn off those music videos!'
你早晚......
I'm gonna watch C-SPAN, TVLand, and HBO
屁股隱隱作痛，我還在看納斯卡賽車
The History Channel, and QVC, and Lifetime
看了個叫《承諾》（PBS的一個有關葬禮的節目）的節目，《拉里金現場秀》我也在磕
You're gonna...
再看《24小時》，再看《法律與秩序》
[Verse 2]
天氣頻道無聊得跟《60分鐘》（CBS一個政治評論節目，嘉賓都是一些年逾花甲的老政客）一個樣
My butt is aching, as I watch NASCAR racing
那些糟老頭子有什麼好看的，還是換台看《E!真實好萊塢故事》
That show about undertaking, Larry King
“十二個名叫科里的演員之人生起落”
To 24, to Law & Order
秋天播的劇這會兒已經命好名了
The Weather Channel's boring like 60 Minutes
《CSI：博伊西》（Al杜撰的CSI續集），《與大叔有約》（Al杜撰的《與天使有約》續集）
Ancient reporters, next up on E! True Hollywood Story
聽名字就知道肯定垃圾
The rise and decline of twelve actors named Corey
《人人都愛雷蒙德》和
Shows for next fall, they've already been namin'
《後中之王》是不是該玩兒完了
CSI: Boise, and Touched by an Uncle
真是的怎麼能不請理查德·西蒙斯呢
Both sound pretty lame, and
換台，看《八項注意之泡我女兒沒那麼容易》
So does Everybody Tolerates Raymond
然後我肯定會看《未婚女子》
And King of Queens jumped the shark the first minute
然後再看《歡迎回來，科特先生》
I can't believe Richard Simmons ain't in it
和《大青蛙布偶秀》，聽一群布偶嘰里呱啦
I move right on to 8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter
看電視早晚給你看傻
Then I bet I watch The Bachelorette
每個節目我都看，不管別人怎麼說怎麼罵（哦）
Followed by Welcome Back, Kotter
我的電視有C-SPAN、TVLand和HBO
And The Muppet Show where they go 'Mahna Mahna'
迪士尼頻道和A&E還有Lifetime
[Hook]
看電視早晚給你看傻
You're gonna lose your mind watching TV
別人訓我哄我，但我就是喜歡麗薩·庫卓
They told me, they'd scold me, but I 'd still tune into every show (oh)
我還得看C-SPAN, TVLand和HBO
My cable gets C-SPAN, TVLand, and HBO
花花公子頻道和Court TV還有Lifetime
The Disney Channel and A&E and Lifetime
你早晚......
You're gonna lose your mind watching TV
《新飛越情海》、《迷失太空》我每一集都看
They told me, cajoled me, but I still love Lisa Kudrow (oh)
從不錯過一集《極速前進》和《尋人密探》
I'm lookin at C- SPAN, TVLand, and HBO
但是《威爾與格蕾絲》我只看了一次
The Playboy Channel, and Court TV, and Lifetime
然後TiVo就以為我是同性戀（TiVo會根據觀看記錄向用戶推薦影片，意思是自從看了Will & Grace，TiV就開始給Al推薦同性題材的影視劇），現在後悔的要死
You're gonna...
哦，還有《恐懼元素》，我看了大概半個小時
[Verse 3]
完了嚇出一身冷汗得好好洗洗
Never miss Melrose Place or Lost in Space
電視台大佬們各個都有遮不住的野心
I've seen each Amazing Race and Without a Trace
下星期福克斯有個節目要播，獅子搏殺活人
But I only watched Will & Grace, one time, one day
我都想把製片人綁了
Wish I hadn't, 'cause TiVo now thinks I'm gay
讓他們使勁看看這些垃圾，看到他們的腦子都跟《奪命凶靈》裡那樣爆掉
Oh, and Fear Factor, I watched maybe a half hour
《倖存者》裡滿身蟲子還吃蛆的都是些蠢蛋
After that , felt like I needed a long shower
瞧瞧又是詹姆斯·利普頓在闊論高談
Network execs with naked ambition
談羅伯·施耐德（一喜劇演員，其作品大都比較低俗）的作品成就
Next week on FOX watch lions eat Christians
還有《蓋里甘的島》和《海綿寶寶》
Like to tie up those programming planners
加上《百戰天龍》打個包
Make them watch all that junk until their heads explode just like Scanners
傑雷諾請來了麥當娜
Leech-covered, grub-eating fools on Survivor
喲，是盧克·派瑞呀
Look, there's James Lipton discussing the oeuvre
德魯·派裡的《英語黑話》出了特別輯
Of Mr. Rob Schneider
還是想換到ET（娛樂頻道）
And there's Gilligan and SpongeBob
因為我i就是喜歡八卦
Plus there's MacGyver
而且還能知道這週跟J-Lo結婚的又是誰
And Jay Leno has got Madonna
半分鐘廣告之後
Hey, there's Luke Perry
歡迎繼續收看《辣不辣》
And a special all Pig Latin episode of Drew Carey
想把《黑道家族》錄下來的，讓我給忘了
Wanna turn on ET
不管有沒有劇情，是個節目我都愛
'Cause I'm a gossip freak
會一直盯著屏幕，直到兩腿麻，眼通紅
And I gotta know who J-Lo is marrying this week
我就這麼一個腦子
A 30-second spot
餘生我要拼命看電視，看到腦子都銹掉
Welcome back to Are You Hot?
看電視早晚給你看傻
I was planning on recording The Sopranos — I forgot
每個節目我都看，不管別人怎麼說怎麼罵（哦）
I love shows with or without a plot
我的電視有C-SPAN、TVLand和HBO
I'll stare 'til my legs are numb, my eyes bloodshot
The Sci-Fi Channel和AMC還有Lifetime
Because I only have got one brain to rot
看電視早晚給你看傻
I'm gonna spend my life watching television a lot
別人訓我哄我，“把《奧普拉·溫弗瑞秀》關了吧”
[Hook]
不，我還得看C-SPAN , TVLand和HBO
You're gonna lose your mind watching TV
學習頻道和MTV還有Lifetime
They told me, they'd scold me, but I still tune into every show (oh)
你早晚......
My cable gets C-SPAN, TVLand, and HBO
你想看什麼就看什麼，兄弟
The Sci-Fi Channel and AMC and Lifetime
You're gonna lose your mind watching TV
They told me, cajoled me, turn off that Oprah Winfrey show (oh)
I got it on C-SPAN, TVLand, and HBO
The Learning Channel and MTV and Lifetime
You're gonna...
[Outro]
You can watch anything you want to, man