Your Horoscope for Today

Aquarius
There's travel in your future when your tongue
freezes to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life
by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day
Pisces
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos
with the E. Bola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance
no matter what those idiots at work say
Aries
The look on your face will be priceless
when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf
then give a hickey to Meryl Streep
Taurus
You will never find true happiness
whatcha gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up,
do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep
That's your horoscope for today (yay yay yay yay yay)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (yay yay yay yay yay)
That's your horoscope for today
Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined once again
by your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble when your
fiance hurls a javelin through your chest
Cancer
The position of Jupiter says that you should
spend the rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose
while taking your driver's test
Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt
and staple it to your boss's face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding
and wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik
Virgo
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent
except for you
Expect a big surprise today
when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick
That's your horoscope for today (yay yay yay yay yay)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (yay yay yay yay yay)
That's your horoscope for today
Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least
a bit unlikely that the relative position of the
planets and the stars could have a special deep significance
or meaning that exclusively applies to only you
but let me give you my assurance that these
forecasts and predictions are all based on
solid scientific documented evidence
so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize
that every single one of them is absolutely true
Where was I?
Libra
A big promotion is just around the corner
for someone much more talented than you
Laughter is the very best medicine
remember that when your appendix bursts next week
Scorpio
Get ready for an unexpected trip
when you fall screaming from an open window
Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem
you stupid freak
Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back
K I L L T H E M
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine
you've got hanging in your den
Capricorn
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person
but you know they're lying
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and
never never never never never leave my house again
That's your horoscope for today (yay yay yay yay yay)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (yay yay yay yay yay)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (yay yay yay yay yay)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (yay yay yay yay yay)
That's your horoscope for today