Bells

Man: I wish those bloody bells would stop.
Wife: Oh, its quite nice dear, its Sunday, its the church.
Man: What about us atheists? Why should we ave to listen to that sectarian turmoil?
Wife: Youre a lapsed atheist, dear.
Man: The principles the same. Bleeding C-of-E. The Mohmedans dont come round here wavin bells at us! We dont get Buddhists playing bagpipes in our bathroom! Or Hindus harmonizing in the hall! The Shintuists dont come here shattering sheet glass in the shithouse, shouting slogans...
Wife: All right, dont practice your alliteration on me.
Man: Anyway, when I get my membership card and blazer badge back from the League of Agnostics, I shall urge the executive to lodge a protest against that religious racket! Pass the butter knife!
Wife: WHAT?
Man: PASS THE BUTTER KNIFE! THANK YOU ! IF ONLY WE HAD SOME KIND OF MISSILE!
Wife: OLD ON, ILL CLOSE THE WINDOW.
(Sound: Window closing, bells get faint, but are still there)
Man: If only we had some kind of missile, we could take the steam out of those bells.
Wife: Well, you could always use the number 14-St. Joseph-the-somewhat- divine-on-the-hill ballistic missile. Its in the attic.
Man: What ballistic missile would this be, then?
(Sound: Bells begin to get increasingly louder)
Wife: I made it for you, its your birthday present!
Man : Just what I wanted, ow nice of you to remember, my pet. EAR!
Wife: WHAT?
Man: THOSE BELLS ARE GETTING LOUDER!
Wife: WHAT?
Man: THOSE BELLS ARE GETTING LOUDER!
Wife: THE BELLS ARE GETTING LOUDER! OOOH, LOOK!
Man: WHAT?
Wife: THE CHURCH, ITS GETTING CLOSER! ITS COMING DOWN THE ILL!
Man: WHAT A LIBERTY!
Wife: ITS TURNING INTO OUR LANE!
Man: STRAIGHT THROUGH THE LIGHTS, OF COURSE.
Wife: TYPICAL, YOU BETTER GO PUT IT OUT OF ITS MISERY.
Man: WHERES THIS MISSILE, THEN?
Wife: ITS IN THE AIRING CUPBOARD. PRESS THE BUTTON MARKED CHURCH!
Man: OW DO I AIM IT?
Wife: IT AUTOMATICALLY HOMES IN ON THE NEAREST PLACE OF WORSHIP!
Man: THATS ST. MARKS!
Wife: IT ISNT NOW, LOOK! OH, ITS OPNING THE GATE.
Man: WHAT? USE THE MEGAPHONE!
Wife: ITS OPNING THE GATE!
Man: ILL POP UP THE AIRING CUPBOARD.
Wife: HURRY UP, ITS TRAMPLING OVER THE AZALIAS!
(Sound: Missle launch, explosion, bells diminish)
Man: Did I it it?
Wife: Yes, right up the aisle.
Man: Well Ive always said, Theres nothing an agnostic cant do if he really doesnt know whether he believes in anything or not