another sad song

Yeah I deal with self hate yeah my stupid image
And I been doing this my whole life I don't think you get it
Trouble with these women pushing myself to my limits
Wanna end that life you told me I could never finish
Just admit it dog no you could never love yourself
You try to fight through it but you just need to get some help
And when they try to help you push your feeling to the shelf
Now tell me do I live on earth or do I live in hell
Yeah my mental is imbalanced it's a bigger challenge
I been looking for some love yeah I sit and scavenge
All I have is broken walls with just a little talent
I wrote a letter tryna end it I don't know what happened
Yeah we're going for a ride and keep your seatbelt fastened
Life is too fast hit the breaks but I just know we're crashing
My memories are flashing look at all the time that's passing
I don't make movies but you can see I'm always acting
My anxiety it always gets the best of me
depression and ptsd my biggest enemy
Lose relationships I like to blame my jealousy
Yeah you can try to help I promise there's no remedy
Too many cigarettes it got me breathing heavily
Push away the ones I love I have the tendency
Had depression since I was in elementary
When I started to blow up they started friending me
Acting like they always liked my music why you lie
Can you tell me where you were when all my views were dry
You only like me now because I'm bigger don't deny
You were never there I had nobody standing by
If I'm gone I could say hi to friends and family
I know you'd rather never hear this it's so damaging
I try to study my own thoughts yes I'm examining
But when I get close to the truth I just start panicking
I literally don 't have nobody it is so depressing
No messages from people that I know they stay rejecting
Now you know I hate my life so what were you expecting
I'm going backwards in this life I thought I was progressing
I'm punching mirrors I do not like who I have become
I'm helping all these people yet I do not have no one
I let my mental issues get to me I'm kinda dumb
But now I gotta face the truth no I will never run
See I'm the type to push away when something seems to good for me
And end up hurting people no not physically but mentally
And try and lie to them and tell them maybe we weren't meant to be
I'm fighting a new enemy I can not fix it medically
I'm not the same person that really I use to be
I make them laugh but I am dying inside usually
But nowadays I only get these people using me
I isolate myself I swear it's just consuming me
And I know I'm looking weak to everyone I know
I admit it shoulda told you a long time ago
Cutting people off I think I need some time alone
I make this music while I'm putting on a happy show
Does the grass really get greener on the other side?
Never found the resolution but at least I tried
It's too late for me to lie about it I can't hide
I was looking in the mirror and I swore I died