Tribulation

We've got tribulation, my good sir
We've got tribulation in Schmigadoon
Look down there
Do you see what I see?
Peanut shells in the street!
Lying there like passed-out drunks in the gutter
Turning Town Square into the floor of a saloon
The home of loose women and hooch-happy sinners
A petting pantry in the middle of the street!
Is that what our town's become?
Is that the future we want for our children?
I'm telling ya! Things have changed ever since those two outsiders waltzed in
With their big-city ways and thеir newfangled ideas
Promiscuity and dеpravity
Interlopers interloping with hearts
Colder than the hinges of hell!
First the two of them arrived, unmarried
Brimming with lust, wanting to share a bed
Then a brazen display at the basket auction
Now the mayor's out, proclaiming his perversions
At the root of it all are two strangers
Who've never cracked a Bible in their life
And that's gonna lead to tribulation and strife

Now I've got nothing against outsiders
Provided they're the right kind of people
The kind of folks who look and talk and act like us
Peas in a pod and birds of a feather
Not loud-mouthed trash with their tommyrot and flapdoodle
Claptrap and fiddle-faddle and jiggery-pokery
Stirring up the cream while you're waiting for it to settle
Like vermin in the root cellar, flies in the buttermilk
And they're influencing!
There, I said it, they're influencing your children
Like an earwig crawling from the ears to the brains
And soon your young'uns will be neglecting chores
Milk going sour, unstrained in the springhouse
Back-talk at dinner, no time for the good book
Ragtime blaring on the Victrola

And that's just the beginning, folks
Soon you won't even, no you won't know, you won't even
Recognize your own town
I'm talking about neon signs, smoke-filled rooms
Billiard parlors and painted ladies
Wanton women having children out of wedlock
Rowdy men using filthy language
The devil himself, dancing on your front porch
Stealing your babies from their cribs at midnight
Cows and sheep having amorous congress
Children with the mark of the beast on their foreheads!
All thanks to these two out-of-towners
Doctor Skinner and Miss Gimble
Better hold on to your husband
Best keep an eye on your wife
'Cause there's gonna be some tribulation and strife

Oh, we've got strife! (Got strife!)
And tribulation! (Tribulation!)
And not to mention miscegenation (That sounds bad!)
Let's pray the Lord (Pray the lord !) will save us soon (Save us soon!)
('Cause we've got strife and tribulation in Schmigadoon!)
Strife, strife, strife (Strife! Strife! Strife)
I can't hear y'all! (Strife! Strife! Strife)

I love this town
Y'all know my great-great-granddaddy founded Schmigadoon when he came upon this beautiful tract of land and said, "They'll never find us here."
It pains me - oh, it pains me to see our town slipping away
Right before our very eyes
I tried to alert the mayor but his mind was elsewhere
In his pants!
His poor wife was so ashamed she locked herself inside her house
And this time on purpose
I'm sorry, Florence!
New leadership. That's what Schmigadoon needs
But who? Who has the moral wherewithal, the traditional how-to
The good, old-fashioned, all-American je ne sais quoi
To stand up to these two outsiders?

Mildred Layton for mayor!

I couldn't

Mildred Layton for mayor!

But I wouldn't

Mildred Layton for mayor! Mildred Layton for mayor!

Okay, I'll do it

It's time to vote (To vote)
And vote for Layton (Vote for Layton!)
She is the only one who'll save our town from Satan (Save us now!)
Let's hope that she (hope that she) will save us soon (save us soon)
'Cause we've got strife and tribulation
Strife and tribulation
Grief and consternation (Grief and consternation)
Strife and tribulation (in Schmigadoon!)